The Anatomy of Friendship

I apologize for the length but hopefully it will be worth it.

This past week has been really rough on me. I dont' know why. I'm trying so hard to be the woman God made me to be. I suppose it could be the enemy trying to defeat me. He hits where it hurts the most too.

There are only a couple of earthly desires that I fondly cherish in my heart. Both of them God has said No to. I'm not sure if that's a No for now, or a No forever. It's not my place to question, but oh how it hurts.

How many of you have those friends, those heart binding closer than sister friends that you can tell anything to? You things together, you confer with each other before you make decisions, not even distance can seperate you truly. They love you despite your faults and tell you when your being stupid, but do it in such a loving way that you don't feel humiliated, but protected and loved. BFF (Best Friends Forever). Sounds rather high schoolish doesn't it. Those of you that have those friends (and I'm sure that's a huge majority of you) totally understand that it isn't high schoolish at all. Women seem to need that closeness.

The last time I had a friend like that was when my sons were young. She's still very special to me, but has let me know under no circumstances does she want anything to do with me. The reason was not even something I have no control over. In fact her reason was the one of the things my husband most appreciates about me, but I think he's biased. :)

I have two sisters and you'd think instant friends, right? Wrong. We grew up in different households and didn't even meet until I was 25. One sister is 25 years old than me and one is 13 years older. They do everything together like sisters because they have a common thread (and they are whole sisters, I'm a half). I'm on the outside looking in.

I wish I knew what needed to be changed. I so envy those people that are so compassionate and caring and are able to articulate it (I am compassionate and caring, but don't have a grasp on communicating. My mind moves along so fast that everything I say comes out sounding selfish even though that is not where my thoughts lie.) everyone knows them and loves them. Not because everyone knows them, but they know how to share their love with others. It doesn't get hung up around their Adam's apple (or in my case a Pammer's apple).

There are things that I couldn't have done without my friends, like looking at my writing with a critical eye, listening to the critiques of other's without whining that they don't get me. Yeah, I used to do that, but now I have matured to look at the crit and learn. I am teachable and that's an important thing to learn in the writing business. Those friends are very good to put up with me. I am really blessed to have them as friends.

And yet, at work, with the writing groups, at church and life in general, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I think I scare people. I can't find a happy medium. Maybe my ideals are too lofty. Maybe no one has the type of relationship I dream of. (I had a whale of a time finding a roomie for conference. I was about to eat the cost and stay in the room by myself. It's hard to admit that.) I've figured out recently that I'm nearly as likeable as I thought I was. I've really been working on that. Not to have more friends, but because I'm sure Jesus wouldn't be happy to have an unfriendly Christian.

I write these relationships in my book though. Those books are in my fictional world and every heroine has to have a BFF even if I never have one. Maybe there is a lesson in this after all. (Now I've gotten interupted and can't remember where I was heading with this, lol.) I've always felt like a loner although I don't profile as a loner. When my kids were younger I had them and now they are growing away. They are boys so there aren't any heart to hearts over facials or pedicures. Sigh. But if God had meant me to have a girl, he would have given me one.

Brandilyn Collins hit the heart of the matter within minutes of the opening of her novel Violet Dawn. I read the heroine asking God where her friend was, her sister. When was she going to come. The answer was "Soon". I cried when I read that.

I'm not complaining. I'm just rambling. I am really feeling alone today. And today, someone on the loop shared a little bit of a poem by Amy Carmicheal. It so blessed me I'm going to repeat that little bit here:

Thou hast not that, my child, but thou hast Me,
And am not I alone enough for thee?
I know it all, kow how thy heart was set
Upon this joy which is not given yet. . .

I know it all, but from thy brier shall blow
A rose for others, If it were not so
I would have told thee, come, then say to me
"My Lord, my Love, I am content with Thee."



I wondered: What does friendship mean to you?

Time to make some changes

First I got a rejection letter from Steeple Hill. That sparked off a bunch of changes, but since I'm on Quota Time, I won't go into it right now, lol.

I'm good with the rejection. I know God's timing is ultimate so I just keep writing with joy in my heart. :)

I went to the doctor the other day. They tricked me onto the scales. Is it just me or does anyone else notice there is more gravity in a doctor's office. I weigh more on the doctor's scales than I do at home. Maybe I live in a higher altitude, I do live on the top of a hill, ya know. If only the doctor's would write down the weight I see at home and not theirs.

However, changes have to be made. By the calculations of the doctor's scales....I need to lose 22 pounds. I came to this conclusion a couple of weeks ago, and have lost two in the past two weeks.

I'm going to post here to keep myself accountable. Except for the week I'll be on vacation because I don't have a laptop to keep current. I'll just have to leave the internet behind (SOB!!).

So does anyone else have any mid year resolutions?

Awards

Here is the award that spawned the idea for the Moron Award. :) My friend Cheryl sent it to me.

The New Award

I noticed that some of my friends were passing around a Rockin' Blogger (or something like that) award.

After a few incidents last week, I came up with a new award. The Moron Award.

The other night I was in the middle of a really interesting Brainstorming chat with the ACFW Course instructor, Lacey Williams, and several members of the class. (If you belong to ACFW I suggest you join the course loop. If you don't belong to ACFW, join us, then sign up for the courses.) Anyway, I was actually typing an idea in. I crossed my legs to get more comfortable and suddenly my computer started shutting down! I began to wonder as it shut down completely. My son walked in just as the screen went black and I turned to him and said, "My computer just shut down without my permission."

My son nodded and pursed his lips. Suddenly he looked me in the eye. "Is there any chance you might have hit the off button with your foot?"

DUH! When I'd crossed my legs, my big toe connected with something. The off button!

Sooooo, I get the Moron award.

If you know someone, even yourself, that should get this award, leave me a message or email me at

Pamela at pamela-james dot com (obviously with the tradition symbols instead of at and dot) with a short reason that you feel he/she/you should receive it. I love good goof stories. Makes me feel like I'm not alone.

Have a great day. When I can find my box of names, I'll draw the winner for the June books. (Give me a break, I've been moving furniture and I put the box in a safe place.)

:)