Pruning or in the fire?

It's always painful to be in a pruning stage of life. No one really wants to be there, but if we hang in there, we usually are beyond thankful for the results.
The most painful pruning is when you need to go back. Way, way, way back because there is some poison that needs to be gotten out so you can be whole and totally usable by the Lord.

That's where my husband and I found ourselves. Our kids are old enough to move out (though we aren't in any hurry for that to happen, we know it will eventually). I had to take a close look at our relationship and wonder where the lovable man that I married went. :) And suddenly everything seemed to point us back in our relationship. We understood that to make our marriage more rock-solid (we've been married for 21 years) we were going to have to take a trip to the past, tear it up, compare notes, and heal because the scar tissue was getting out of hand and strangling our relationship.

We have a LONG history. I moved here in October of 1983 with my parents. Two weeks after our move, we found a nearby church. Mom was anxious to start trying to find a church. Dad wasn't much of one to shop around. This church was close, it was our denomination and he liked the people he met our first Sunday. (Mom and I didn't fare so well for totally different reasons that I just won't go into, but Dad was sure all that would get ironed out with time. It never really did, but again, I won't go into the whys and wherefores. Let's just say since Dad liked the church, Mom and I did our best to find a niche there. These people were SO different than we ever encountered in our hometown of Thayer.)

So the Sunday after Thanksgiving, me and two girls I'd made friends with (at least I thought I had, but looking back now, and knowing what happened, I think they had a very different idea of friendship than my little loyal heart did, the naive little country girl was beginning to get an education of citification). Anyway. . .we went into the dining hall were one of the Brother's Keepers (I think that was the name of the groups since the church was so big we didn't try to fit everyone in the fellowship hall at the same time, so we were divided into four groups) groups were having a dinner. My family didn't have a group YET, but we were invited to join them for the Thanksgiving meal. I liked this group because it contained the two girls that I'd made the best friends with.

We walked in and I, noticing details, see a guy I'd never seen at church before. He turned and our eyes connected. His were the clearest most beautiful blue I'd ever seen. I fell head over heels in and instant. (Don't laugh, it's totally true, God was at work.) I grabbed Julie's arm and said, "Oh wow! WHO is that guy over there?" Our eyes were still connected. She looked up and wrinkled her nose. "Oh GROSS! That's my brother!" I didn't say anymore about him. We both went about our own business.
But I found myself at the same table with him. I really didn't mind. He was so sensitive and understanding that I found myself telling him about the bad relationship I'd just come out of. (Yeah, remember what I said about naive country girl getting her city education? I found out that some guys take you out just for one reason and they get really mad when you won't "put out". I ended up slapping said date and insisting he take me home. I sat on my side of the car the whole ride home, angry and glaring. Shows that I wasn't the important agenda, something else was. The nerve!) I can smile about it now, but then it really hurt. And Greg was so wonderful. He and I became friends. And we spent quite a bit of time together. We'd go out and get a Coke or sometimes he'd come over to use my double cassette player on my new stereo (since my old one gave out, Dad bought me a real nice one he found on sale. This stereo was the STUFF! At least it was back then.)

I found out recently that was all a ruse, he was interested in me, once he realized I was older than his sister (one year older) but much more mature in some actions (farm girls have to be ya know?).

The pruning I was talking about took us all the way back to here. Over the years there has been a trail of connect the dots. There were ALOT of hurtful things that happened. And there are things that I still need to work through (apparently, just from writing this post, I find debris from all that happened back then even in the early days) and the people I thought I could trust-some of them adults-were the ones that hurt me the most and a couple of them were only interested in getting their way. Trust me, there was drama in Thayer, but nothing like what I experienced here. In Thayer lots of the kids in school acting with more morals and maturity than some of the adults I encountered here, but that's another thing. Country life is just vastly different.

Just last night, someone stated something that made me realize that she still believes the lies that were told to her way back then. I thought when Greg and I hashed that out recently that I was done with it. I feel God prodding me to face this too (yes it's hard, I'd rather just let her believe what she wants to and go on, BUT God has other plans). I've faced harder tasks than this in the last eight months, believe me. I'm going to have to explain to her what the truth is, even though I'm quite sure she won't believe it (unless the one who started the lie is willing to come forward and admit it), regardless, I have to put it out there for her so she can have it if she wants. But I also have to forgive because I was crushed by the lie and the actions that pursued it and the ending result, which have just been clear as Greg and I have thrashed through the jungle of our past. I've had to do plenty of forgiving, ask for it too. It should get easier and I guess it does, but you really have to take the past out and study it from every angle to be able to forgive and let go. Stuffing it doesn't work. I tried that for 25 years.

However, I don't believe I was mature enough to handle the truth until now. God has been growing me for a long time. Once I started listening to Him and trying to do His will, things have moved along pretty quick. Kind of like a roller coaster. I don't mind so much the going up, and up, and up part. It the thundering downward to the ground part that intimidates me.

Sometimes forgiving is hard. Forgetting? That's one of the hardest things I've tried. We are a sum of our past experiences. Though some of those experiences are hurtful, do we really want to toss them on the wayside or should we take what we've learned and pack it for future use. Kind of like making a purse out of a pair of jeans that no longer fit, so that we have the good part of the jeans (memory) as well as some hardware (what we learned). We just have to be careful to throw out the rest so we don't end up carrying our new snazzy purse full of sludge of regrets and unforgiving attitudes.

God is also pushing me to be more transparent (that's why I'm sharing this journey with you). Not easy for me. I pull things inside and cover it with funny jokes and laughter. I don't like to cry. Especially if someone can see me. Even Greg or the kids. I usually hide in the bathroom or bedroom with my journal or on my knees. I feel that others can learn from the mistakes I've made for myself, the reaping I got from the sins of others and how I learned to overcome most of it. I'm still a Work In Progress. No where near perfect. But if I can save anyone person some of the pain I endured, I will share.

With hindsight I see He prepared me for this year by taking me away from duties and my friends. Where all I had was Him and my husband. I was to focus on family and my writing this year. I didnt' know what all that entailed.

I do want you to know, that through all the pruning, I did find the Prince that I married. He was still there, waiting for me. :)

Okay, that's enough for today, I'm going to attack Chapter Eight. Gotta get the timeline straightened out. Don't know what I was thinking when I was originally writing it. Got interrupted too many times, but I do have a clear path to fix it. And move along. I'll just see how much I can get done with the time I have.

You have a good evening and weekend.