Sunday, March 13, 2011
The Issue of Trust
At the beginning of the year I mentioned feeling that this is the year to focus on trust. A trouble spot in my life of late.
I knew it was others I was supposed to learn to trust because I already trusted God. Right?
Not to long ago while talking to someone, to protect the guilty and the innocent, let's call this person Pat. In the past, Pat had hurt me and I'd forgiven them. However, as I talked to Pat, I realized that though I really had forgiven the hurt, I didn't trust Pat anymore. Up until then it didn't really faze me because I don't really trust anyone anymore. (It lessens the pain when you expect nothing of people, so when they do fail you, at least you were prepared.) But in that moment, I also realized that I had erected my wall of protection from being hurt, and while trying to hold that wall in place I had let go of the trust I had in God. In a sense I had quit believing that He had my back. I dropped my faith to hold up my self-made protection because I didn't trust God to protect me.
As you know God doesn't always protect us in ways we consider protecting. My idea of protecting me would have been to protect me from all the hurt, pain, and frustrations I'd endured the last few years.
God is looking at the bigger picture. I had some things to learn. Still do.
This put me in a pickle because I had to let go of my shields to be able to take what God is handing me. And that was a scary thought. That would leave me completely open to any hurts that were flung at me.
I didn't want to do this.
But I realized that in distrusting everyone I had lost my faith in my fellow man, and it trailed into my faith in God. (Which explains why I didn't feel as close to God as I had before all this started.) My husband says I tend to push people away and apparently it isn't restricted to people. I push God away too.
And not only that, I was angry as well. At most everybody. . .including (gasp!) God. The negativity of these feelings I'd shoved down inside, was seeping all through my life in every way imaginable. Making me more suspicious and angry, keeping the vicious little cycle going and growing.
One thing Daddy taught me well, and he made sure this lesson hit home, was when you have to do something that scares you, or is distasteful, or insert your own excuse here, what you do is just suck it up and muscle through it.
So even though the last thing I want to do is put my poor raw heart out in the line of fire....that is exactly what I have to do. Not only that I have to trust my fellow man not to take aim. And if they do I have to trust God's will and acknowledge that His way is the best way no matter what.
So what have I learned through all this?
God loves me no matter what. And no matter what....He is sufficient.
I also learned that it's okay to open your mouth and ask for a little help sometimes. It doesn't make you weak. In fact knowing when to quit struggling is a wisdom. I'm still working on the timing.
Are there any hidden areas in your life that maybe God is nudging you on? Pray about it. Don't be as thick headed as me. :)
Have a wonderful day!